Ding Ding Ding!

So this morning an old gentleman got onto the train, and naturally everyone was suddenly attacked by a vicious bout of narcolepsy or found something incredibly interesting in whatever they were looking at. I was in the middle of the carriage and got up to let the fellow sit down. As he ambled over, a pregnant woman suddenly appeared and I realized we had a seat-off!

A hush fell over the train, and I think some doves took flight. No one moved a muscle.

His eyes narrowed behind his specs, and the pregnant lady steadied herself on the her feet, delivering a steely gaze as she fiddled with her badge. With a flick of her wrist she suddenly flung it at the gentleman who, with lighting reflexes, dodged it without taking his eyes off her. Somewhere in the back someone was decapitated.

Now it was his turn. He calmly took off his tie, and began to whirl it until there was nothing but a blur in front of him. He jumped forwards and whipped it at her, but a slight miscalculation caused it to wrap around a pole instead.

The train suddenly shuddered to a stop - we were at Euston - my stop. I wanted to stay, but unfortunately I had to get to work. As the train pulled away, the last thing I saw was the pregnant lady dive at the gentleman with her copy of the Metro. The train was shaking and the screams could be heard well into its journey down the tunnel.

Here we go again!

Bob Crow has barely been buried and we have another tube strike on our hands. I have fond memories of the last strike, where it took me double the time to get to work and I saw the true face of humanity. People crammed from floor to ceiling on what precious trains there were, long walks between stations and a general air of desperation and body odour.

To be honest, there was an odd sense of camaraderie among  those who were foolish enough to try and get to work instead of doing the decent thing and staying at home.

The strikes are said to happen on the 28th of April. In preparation, I will start my training and secure a kevlar vest from those dodgy kids from the estate down the road.

Hold on tight! Tube driver caught drunk

Hey, if we had a choice, we would all be drunk on the tube. How else would we deal with the arduous and overly-long journeys? Well, this Jubilee Line tube driver took the high road and was caught drunk on the job. Must be quite good fund, whizzing through the tunnels with a drink in your hand, playing chicken with ongoing trains and making lewd comments over the intercom.

Story here - http://www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/tube-driver-arrested-for-being-drunk-in-control-of-train-on-the-jubilee-line-9212636.html

Hahahahahahhaahh

Good to see that TFL has a sense of humour! Whoosh indeed.

Trains of tomorrow

An article over at Gizmodo on a new concept tube train. Looks good although unfortunately it will still undoubtedly contain stupid people.

TFL lost me a bacon sandwich, now this is personal

So the Northern Line was fucked this morning, proper fucked. The platform was full of people huffing and puffing with no train in sight. The tannoy rings, we might get a train in 15 minutes and one 20 minutes after that. People tense up, ready for battle and all I can think of is bacon.

Every now and then, my workplace provides bacon rolls for breakfast, and now I was going to be late for work with the very real and frightening possibility of arriving after the last bacon roll has gone.

Alas, this is what happened. My world is dark and my eyes are sad. No bacon for me. TFL, you have made a powerful enemy. No one fucks with my bacon.

The Paper Phenomenon

I think free papers on the tube are a great idea. We can read about the latest rapes and murders, not to mention seeing a picture of a dog or cat sitting around doing nothing. What gets me is how people are so desperate to read the paper, they will do whatever they can to keep reading, no matter how busy the train is. Ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time when you just have to stand up like a normal person and not try to spread out an entire newspaper in a carriage that's full as hell.

Then there's the paper-poking. If the train is full and you have a paper reader standing behind you, the pages will poke and rest on you at every opportunity. A few times, people have actually rested the paper on my back. From now on, I will set fire to any paper that touches me.

Carry the kid!

Ah, is your little one learning to walk? Look at it, waddling along on the brink of falling on its face any minute. That's nice.

So here we are; its rush hour, you're trying to get to the next platform to carry on your miserable commute. You go through gates, through the tunnels and do what you can to avoid Smowhawks when you're suddenly slowed to a crawl by a parent and their tiny child ambling up the stairs and blocking everyone behind them.

It's simply wonderful, heartwarming and life-affirming to see a parent and their small child having this learning experience together, but in the case of a very busy staircase, pick the damn kid up and get your ass up the stairs. No one care, no one has time. If you want them to practice stairs, do it at home.

Magazine lady disapproves of your massive bag blocking the aisle

The stumblers...

So here's a little physics lesson for you all. 'What!!', you cry 'I want to read about tube stuff you might giggle'. Well my intrepid friends, this pertains to an incident we see all too often on those hellish trains to nowhere.

Every single day, on every single train, at every single stop someone either stumbles or nearly falls as the train starts or stops moving. Normally, this would.be fine and probably quite funny were it not for the fact that it's usually into another person, sometimes me.

Look! Physics!

So, it appears that some people don't understands the basic principles of physics or inertia. I'm not to get into the nitty, but basically, when the train starts moving, you will move with it. Shocking, I know but work with me here. Now, if the train were to start and stop randomly, it would be disconcerting; the trick here is that its actually very predictable when you might want to brace yourself. The amount of people who get caught off guard is worrying. I once witnessed a woman almost fall over 4 times in row. That truly is something special.

Species of Tube Traveller #12 - The TechHead

The TechHead is a relatively new creature and has only started to infest the Underground within the last three years or so, which is why our studies are not as conclusive as with other species of commuter. No one really knows there they came from - our scientists hypothesize that they are actually some form of alien race that landed, somehow got onto the Underground system and never managed to find their way out.

This is largely due to the fact that they don't look where they are going, instead electing to walk really slowly during rush hour and looking at their tablets or phones so that they don't miss a precious second of Dexter or in one case, a grown man watching Spongebob Squarepants.

The TechHead

A more widely believed theory is that they evolved from the newspaper/book readers who display similar levels of incompetent obliviousness, so wrapped in their paper that they walk up and down stairs or through the tunnels without the slightest hint of spatial awareness.

No one really knows why these digital doofuses don't simply pause their media and carry on with it the next time they are seated on a train. Even more amazing is that no one has even seen one stumble, fall or trip up whilst keeping their peepers locked on the tiny screen in front of them. Perhaps there is some form of peripheral vision that we are not aware of? Maybe some kind of sonar?

If you ever come across a TechHead, we recommend that you try and get in front of them as soon as possible. They will not speed up, they will not look where they are going and although no one has been brave enough to snatch away their screen we remain hopeful that our prototype electro magnetic pulse pointers will rid the underground of these pixel-praising prats.

Habitat – In the tunnels, in your way, on the stairs and near power sources

Special Skills – Insane peripheral vision, going up and down stairs without looking

Weaknesses – Electro-Magnetic Pulse, water, a kick in the shin, low batteries

Tube rage

Jesus Christ, seems that trains cant handle the heat and get themselves into a tizzy. The Northern Line was literally hell this morning and even Satan himself looked uncomfortable. I had managed to find a spot in the aisle which is about as good as it can get really.

The train was completely crammed and whenever it stopped at a station, no more people could get on. I locked eyes with a desperate woman who was unlucky enough to be near the door and the wild desperation I saw as more people began to cram in will stay with me until the day I die.

Suddenly a loud knocking snapped me out of my thoughts and a woman on the platform was bashing the window with her fists. Everyone turned to look and she began (very angrily) motioning that those of in the aisle should move in.

I was already pretty much spooning the gent in front of me so I have no idea what she was talking about. I think that if the train had lingered any longer on the platform i'm pretty sure she would have fully hulked out and smashed her way in with her head.

Well, summer is here

...and with it comes another dimension into the already-unpleasant journey that we make every day. I saw a fellow wearing a woolly hat the other day whilst everyone else grimly hung on to consciousness in the sweltering heat. People need to make an effort to hold onto something lower down as a collection of sweaty armpits is actually banned by the Human Rights Act and Geneva Convention. Section 3B, Chapter 2, Page 223. Have a look, its there!

My only recommendation is to read my super handy dandy tips on staying cool and pray.

A seat with a view

Maybe you guys can explain something to me. When standing in the middle bit of the train, why do people face those who are sitting down on the tube? It often feels very awkward when someone stops in front of where you are sitting, leans forward slightly to grab the pole and pretty much shoves their crotch in your face with the added bonus of the person opposite seeing their arse.

Why don’t people stand sideways? This not only prevents an unwelcome display, but also means there is slightly more room on the inside of the carriage. Maybe I’m missing something but having someone’s ballsack just inches away from my face isn’t a great way for me to start the day.

Missing the last train

and having no choice by the nightbus..

Lovingly borrowed from http://londongrumblr.co.uk/

It's getting toasty down there!

It’s getting seriously warm down there in the tubes and coupled with lots of people in an enclosed space, it’s a real treat! It’s not really anyone’s fault of course but there is something unsettling about being nasally assaulted by of 30+ people. It’s kind of like when your bin is full of rubbish and it all ends up smelling the same, regardless of what the trash consists of. Even more baffling are the people who still seem to have sweaters and coats on – it actually makes me feel hotter just looking at them. Here are some ways you can stay cool:

• Freeze your underwear during the day and put them on just before travelling
• Think frosty thoughts
• Hire Japanese geishas to fan you
• Don’t go to work
• Take off your winter wear
• Stand at the end of the carriage and stick your head out of the window (decapitation may occur)
• Encourage everyone to blow on eachother throughout the journey
• Befriend a snowman and bring him on with you (unfortunately he will die)
• Listen to Prince. He’s pretty cool.
• Pass the time by raising tropical plants and marsupials.
• Don't board a train that is on fire (see below for example)

Go home

M-M-M-MEGA SNAIL

We all know about Snails. Not the slimy little buggers that carry their houses around and eat leaves, but the people on the London Underground who wear massive backpacks and refuse to take them off when in crowded trains. This morning I saw the biggest snail I had ever seen - the man had three backpacks on at the same time, increasing his body mass by approximately 440% and the annoyance levels of everyone around him by a staggering 1000%. If looks could kill, this man would be the grim reapers dream. For the first time, the caricature below is pretty much accurate.

I hope i'm not the only one who keeps doing this...

Metro Spoils Game of Thrones

Like pretty much everyone else, I like Game of Thrones. It has blood, boobs and sometimes dragons. it's pretty cool. What's not cool is that The Metro newspaper decided that it would be a good idea to do a full page story on the shock ending of an episode two days after airing. There's absolutely no avoiding it. They were also kind enough to put screenshots of what happens to several main characters just in case you miss the huge headline.

This morning they posted an arrogant response to the hundreds of people who complained, essentially telling them that its their fault for some reason. I'm not going to link to their rebuttal but its safe to say its shitty attitude and I hope people keep complaining.

Metro:

Species of Tube Traveller #11 - The Smowhawk

I've been wondering when a good time would be to bring up an analysis on The Smowhawk as it is easily the most common and frustrating species of tube traveller out there. Now’s as good a time as any I suppose.

You know them as slow- walkers, strollers, laggards or only by the feelings of rage you suppress when you get stuck behind one. Now I'm not referring to anyone who is elderly or disabled in any way, I mean the perfectly able numbskull who is walking approximately 60% slower than they should be.

The Smowhawk

There’s nothing quite as infuriating then walking down a tunnel and getting stuck behind one of these ambling assholes who are completely unaware they have about 50 people behind them. There is no escape from The Smowhawk as they populate tunnels, stairs escalators, tickets halls, platforms and even the surface. Their high numbers can only be attributed to a spore-like reproductive cycle (in theory) and their diet consists of anger and fustration.

An evolutionary quirk has also enabled them to have a special instinct to know when you are about to attempt an overtake so that they can suddenly saunter over your new path to thwart you. The Smowhawk is the number one most hated species of commuter and with such high numbers, something needs to be done.
With enough backing we can petition the government for some inhumane culling, preferably with lots of fire and acid.

Habitat – Everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Special Skills – Advanced path blocking ability, short-term clairvoyance, rear view vision, shuffling

Weaknesses – None discovered so far. Scientists are working around the clock.