Trains like planes on a runway

Huge-ass delays on the northern line. There were probably about 5 trains between these two stations.

Idiot of the Day - Escalation

Sometimes we see so many clueless people of the tube that they all become a single entity of awfulness, but sometimes we see someone REALLY special that makes us stop and think 'dayum, you stupid'.

This week's idiot of the transcends moronism and almost cones out the other side as a misunderstood genius.  It's rush hour and this fine fellow is sitting on the escalator like it's the most innocuous thing in the world - I can't help but have some grudging respect for someone who gives such little a fuck it can only be measured in nanometers. Not only is he having this machine carry him upwards, he is having s good sit too! You sir are an idiot, here's your star of shame.

Species of Tube Traveller #10 - The SquashPusher

The SquashPusher is an odd one, because it doesn't seem to act in self interest but instead is determined to spread discomfort at every opportunity. Although it is a somewhat rare beast, their numbers do seem to be growing, so be on the watch and hold your ground if you spot a potential specimen. The SquashPusher only appears in the busiest of rush-hours and loves to find a carriage that is already bursting with unfortunate souls before doing everything in its power to force its way in via some infernal osmosis, whether or not another train is a mere 60 seconds away.

The SquashPusher

Our researchers have a number of theories regarding this increasingly ubiquitous oddity, the most popular of which is that it needs extremely close human contact to survive, either due to extremely low body temperatures  loneliness, or an insatiable urge to spoon and share body odour. Fortunately, defeating this unwelcome traveller is fairly simple as compared to other species of commuter. Sometimes all it takes is a steely gaze and a slow shake of the head, whereas sometimes a more severe deterrent such as a spiked umbrella or flaming boot does the trick quite nicely.

Habitat – Busy train platforms and your personal space.

Special Skills – Deflecting glares, finding space where there isn't any, stepping on toes

Weaknesses – Blockers, barbed boxing gloves, glowers

This train terminates in Antarctica

Not my picture but its worth sharing. Now I will never be happy until I see dozens of penguins getting on during my morning commute.

Platform Trampoline

Sometimes, crossing the platform is harder work than it needs to be. You have to go walk back down the platform, walk up the stairs, walk across and then walk down again. What if you could get over instantly?

I have put together the following design (professionally done by an engineer in the most advanced design software) to demonstrate my solution - The Platform Trampoline. It's quite self explanatory really, but can cut platform crossing time by up to 70%. Of course you need to watch for oncoming trains, but I really don't see any reason why this can't be implemented  I have already emailed TFL and Boris Johnson about this, but with your support we can make this a reality.

Her flowers are tired!

Taken during rush hour. I should have gone and sat on them.

Idiot of the Day - The Bulldozer

Saw a real-life Bulldozer in action yesterday morning at Victoria station. The platform was packed, and a train was full to the brim, ready to fling its suffering travellers off to the next station. As the doors were closing, a hand clasped my shoulder and pushed me aside. A women went flying past, her bag swinging like a scorpions tail, and she went on to pull people to the side to get out of her way so she could get onto the train, a pursuit that was lost before it began. The scene ended with her pretty much running face first into the door, such was her desperation to save 2 minutes before waiting for the next train.

Instead of moving to the back of the que, her efforts having resulted in shame, she just stood there right in front of everyone she had just pushed through. Dozens of eyes glared at her back as we all waited for the next train to hell. Woman, you are an idiot.

Fair play, asshole

Bit of an odd title for a blog post, but this gentleman did not give a fuck.

The train was filling fast, so I managed to move over to the end of of the carriage and get into that little alcove - this location is awesome, because you get a little bit of extra space, but two people can't stand there. Anyway, I am there, listening to some music and a man comes and taps me on the shoulder. I assumed he wanted to go through the door to the other carriage, so I moved. Instead, he simply took my place and stood there as if the following 5 seconds hand t happened.

I was quite amazed and laughed to myself despite my shock. This guy just jacked my spot! I might do that in the future, simply go up to someone, tap them on the shoulder and say 'I want to stand here' and see what they say.

I grudgingly applaud you, asshole.

The Glut

The Glut - A term used to describe a group of people that suddenly descend on the nice, quiet platform that you are currently waiting on.

We've all been there, arriving at a platform during rush hour and finding it somewhat tolerable. Your eyes dart to the arrivals board and there are only two minutes to go. A few people dribble in to join you but everything looks fine. One minute to go. You look to your right and suddenly a horde is descending upon you. People come and stand directly in front of you, positioning themselves to get in the train before everyone else. The Glut has arrived.

You feel the gentle wind pick up preceding the arrival of the train and a second Glut arrives. All hope is gone.

It's the little things...

Idiot of the day – Snail Man

I encountered a particularly idiotic snail today as I made my way along the wretched catacombs of Tottenham Court Road Station. He was trailing a suitcase in the usual obstructive way, but his handle was exceptionally long, meaning that he was getting in the way of a lot more people than the usual irritating baggage-person. I kept my distance behind him because he must have tripped up about 5 people in the course of a minute because he kept sauntering from side to side to overtake people.

It seems this person lacked the cognitive capacity to realise that his suitcase would indeed also travel from side to side, ending up directly on the feet of the person he had overtaken. A true example of an underground idiot.

What a wonderful way to start the week

Ouch, my neck!

Snapped on the Northern line this morning - He slept for about 20 minutes.

Mind the Banana Skin

Look what I found at Tottenham court road station this morning. A banana skin! Not remarkable in itself, but the fact someone would just leave it there amazes me. To think, that banana had aspirations in life only to end up with its skin discarded so unceremoniously in a tunnel under the earth.

Whoever left that skin, fuck you. Why would you just leave it there? A goddamn banana skin! It stinks. You stink. Whatever.

Woman Strips on Mexico Train

Yeah, this should totally happen on our trains. Think about it, you are sitting there, miserable and bored, waiting to get to your stop when a beautiful woman (or man) suddenly begins to gyrate and strip. There are enough poles in the train - this should happen more often.

Check it out here

Idiot of the Day

Today’s Idiot of the Day decided that their backside was more important than anyone else's and elected to take up two seats instead of one on the Central Line. In some ways, I like the Central Line trains because they don’t have any arm rests which completely eliminate the risk of encountering The Human Elbow.

This particular individual must have thought to herself ‘Hang on a minute, its rush hour and its stressing me out! I might give myself a little bit of extra space so I can relax.’ Bear in mind, this individual was normal-sized, not overweight and didn't seem to be disabled (although I do question her mental ability).

You need two seats for yourself? How about two middle fingers. Fuck you.

Species of Tube Traveller #11 - The Human Elbow

Thought to be more elbow than human, this specimen resides exclusively within the wretched confines of the train carriage, always seated as they cannot stand for long with the burden of abnormally huge elbows. The Human Elbow is never satisfied with the small space that they have, and resort to laying down their hulking bones on the armrest often encroaching at least 3 inches to each side much to the annoyance of their unfortunate neighbours.

The Human Elbow

It is unwise to engage The Human Elbow in any kind of elbow-based warfare as they will always win. Your only chance of success is to wait until they have to make the momentous effort to scratch their face or dig out their smartphone. It is during this small window that you can jam your woefully inadequate angle onto the rest and attempt to win back some of your rightful space. It is rare, but an awe-inspiring and terrifying scene when two Human Elbows end up sitting together; picture majestic and powerful Moose fighting with their antlers on discovery channel.

As always, the best offence is a good defence, so if you manage to get a seat next to one that is empty, protect yourself by using the armrest (whilst keeping to your side of course) and brace yourself when someone comes to sit.

Habitat – Train carriages, air planes, anywhere with an armrest.

Special Skills – Encroachment, elbow wars, space-occupation

Weaknesses – Other Human Elbows, acid

Photos

While I put together a new post, why not check out People on the Tube to see some great underground oddities. See if you can spot any real-life commuter types .

Idiot of the day

Today I saw not one, but two idiots as I made my way through the hellish underbelly of the London Underground. To set the scene, imaging a huge glut of people making their way through a tunnel, you are at the rear and suddenly everything gets a lot slower. What could be happening?

Turns out, at the bottom of a set of stairs, a person was sat there reading the paper! No shit! At the peak of rush hour as hundreds of people tried to make their way past, this fellow was quite content to sit smack bang on the stairs and part the horde like moses did the sea.

I have some grudging admiration - this is a special type of idiocy not seen often. I hope he got stepped on.